Dear Testicular Cancer

Sperm Banks. I was always curious about these places. The one I went to looked like this. “Would you like to watch some DVDs?” the nurse kindly asked me.

Visiting the sperm bank

They made me release my potential future babies into a plastic cup with my name on it. I needed the help of my girlfriend, the DVDs and the posters on the wall didnt really do it for me. I think I could offer them my pornography consulting services to create a more inspiring atmosphere in there. Although they probably don’t want the people to enjoy themselves too much, or else they’d be lining up around the block. So I guess it requires the right balance between hospital and porn. Tricky.

I called them a few hours later. Looks like I’m fertile. My boys can swimm!!!

One week later I was at the hospital. No food 12 hours and no drinking 6 hours before the operation (Orchiectomy).

7am: Admission to hospital
8am: Switching to hospital clothes
9am: Shaving all pubical hair
12am: Operation

I don’t recall the moment of waking up, but I felt relieved. The nurse said that everything went well. I carefully explored my genitals. One testicle only. It felt a little numb on the right side around the groins and in the leg.

A couple of hours later the doctor came by and said it was indeed a seminoma as expected. He asked whether I was ok with the look of the scrotum like this or whether I’d wanted an artificial replacement for the right testicle? I decided against it because I thought it didn’t look too strange and I have heard about possible sideffects of implants in general:

“[...] The artificial testicle has no function and there have been concerns with some of the artificial testicles made of silicone (because the silicone may leak from the testicle into the rest of the body). [...]“

But yes by now it honestly is hard to tell how many balls are floating around in that little sack. I am definitely not worried about the look at this point.

The first couple of nights past the operation were a little painful, nothing major though. Most of the pain was caused by laughing or caughing. I took painkillers for about a week. I was able to walk again after 2 days. The third day I was released from the hospital.

could it be causing the pain?

Honestly, who really keeps track of what’s going on down there? Are they bigger? Are they harder?  Was the right one always this big? Is it ok that they have different sizes?

One thing that did catch my attention however was this short, sharp pain coming from the left testicle. Really short ones, lasting one to two seconds perhaps in intervals of 2 to 3 months.

I thought that it might be related to my old cell phone that I’ve been carrying around in my left jeans pocket, spending most of the day right next to my testicle.  For a moment I thought it might be worth investigating whether cell phone radiation have the capability to decrease the fertility of men and at the same time I thought it might be a reason to finally get a new phone. It is really old and bulky. (it’s similar to the one on the photo). Either way it sounded like a dumb theory and I was also too lazy to bother going to a doctor and have it checked out, since it really only happend every other month or so. Putting the cell phone in my jacket usually did the trick

I still have the same phone by the way. I like to hang on to things if they work.